5 Steps To End Fighting And Arguing

In the 5 Steps To End Fighting And Arguing we will address the #2 killer of all relationships: Fighting and Arguing. Multiple researchers cite that the number two reason people leave relationships is because of regular bouts of arguing and fighting. In this article we will look at 5 steps you can start using immediately to end arguing and fighting from your relationship.

Step 1: Recognize It’s Your Reaction: One of the simplest resolutions to any conflict is to realize any reaction you have is generated from your own beliefs and values. Whether they are unconscious or not it is still your reaction so it is your responsibility to investigate whether your claims are real or not. Most unconscious fear based responses are loaded with meaning that needs to be questioned and renegotiated. Always remember they are stored in implicit memory which means they are as fast as lightening so it’s critical to catch your reaction and question it. More on this in a bit…

Step 2: Follow Through On Your Goal: When you have goal as to how you want to handle differences it’s like using the car break to stop at a top sign. You need reminders to interrupt your knee jerk reaction. One of those reminders is to create a goal that you can shoot for every time you feel the impulse to argue or fight. Never forget that the argument or fight is always about a need trying to get met. And that there is typically an outdated unconscious pattern that believes that won’t happen. When you are committed to reaching the goal, you will interrupt the knee jerk reaction and eventually dismantle the beliefs that got set in motion early in life that are no longer valid.

Step 3: Choose Words And Phrases That Harmonize Not Demonize: When you can interrupt your knee jerk reaction the next step is to use word and phrases that disarm or deescalates the conflict. Let me put it another way. If you use words and phrases that provoke another person’s fears you will get resistance. Remember, they also have their unconscious beliefs interfering with intimacy in that moment. The least thing you want to do is to is to provoke more anguish in their nervous system. They are already experiencing pressure from the current dilemma, so you do not want to “fan the flame”.  Notice how you feel inside when you imagine someone saying “What the hell does that mean?” with an angry tone versus “Can you tell me more about what that means to you?” in a tone of genuine curiosity. It’s like night and day. The second phrase is inviting the first one is challenging.

Step 4: Seek Understanding Not “Being Right”: In step 4, you are noticing how your desire to be right is really based on an a fear or unconscious belief that you wont get your needs met. My encouragement is to let go of that direction because it’s premature. A better option is to further investigate what your partner is upset about or what her/his core needs are. Get good at moving into curiosity and investigating. The very worst that can come out of it is the understanding that you both have wildly different beliefs. Some of those may be “show stoppers” but my experience tells me that most of them are probably not. Over time you accept your partner for who they are because you realize their beliefs are not threatening to your own. I’ve also discovered most people will meet you half way. Often, I’ve discovered that later on they liked my belief and leaned more towards it and I did the same with their belief.

Step 5: Check Out Your Inferences And Assumptions: One of the most profound ways to unplug dysfunctional unconscious knee jerk reactions is to study your inferences and assumptions. When you have deeply embedded fear responses related to getting your needs met, there will be a tendency to overreact. Over 20 years of practicing this I now have a rule of thumb I fall back on and it goes like this:  if I’m overreacting, then I know it’s a default pattern that needs to be questioned and modified to something more accurate.

How will you know you are overreacting? Think of it as ANYTHING that has more charge to it than telling the time to someone is probably loaded with meaning that needs to be questioned.

With practice you can master each of these steps. The payoff will be more harmony, deeper love, and the immense joy that comes with being in love with that special person you can call lover. Imagine consistently having that renewed sense of security, belonging, and sweetness that was there when you first met. This is all possible when you can unplug your unconscious dynamics running you like a puppet.

A couple of years ago I assembled a program called How To Stop Fighting And Arguing. I had in mind the goal to create the definitive program that completely untangles and resolves fighting dynamics in couples. I’ve given you a link below to access free information that will lead you to the video describing the program.

One of the first steps to untangling conflict is to learn how to identify unconscious patterns. One of the best ways to do that is to learn words and phrases that advocate for harmony and understanding. Words and phrases that take you out of the “being right” pattern to “let’s discover what wants to reveal itself today” approach that is probably based on bad information anyway. When you start using positive words and phrases you immediately interrupt old patterns that keep you stuck. You can access the firstNo form found for free.

Please post your questions and comments below. And be sure to share the love by clicking the share buttons so others can benefit from these tools and insights. Much love to you today.

How To Not Take Things Personally

Not taking things personally is a common issue for many clients and people who responded to previous relationship surveys.

In this article I will discuss what you need to do to not take things personally when things come up between you and your partner. While a book could be written on the subject I will net out the essentials.

Most Reactions Are Based On Past Memories

The first thing that is useful to know about any reaction to any life experience is that the response is being triggered by a mechanism in the brain that has good intentions. The problem with this mechanism is it bases its decision to respond on comparisons from the past. Let me explain.

You’ve listen to me talk about implicit memory right? If not check out these articles:

The mechanism in the brain is called the amygdala and it’s sole responsibility is to keep us safe. It’s like having a sentry outside your front door making sure it doesn’t let anyone in that is not safe. This is a good thing unless the memories it’s comparing to are mis-informed or outdated.

Associated with the decision of the amygdala is an emotion or emotions. For example, if a current event reminds me of something good from the past I might access a state of joy or happiness. The same is true for something difficult. I may access memories that are painful or scary.

These high emotion memories will draw the attention of the Amygdala first so they are a great indicator that something in us needs to be resolved.

The other thing that is useful to know is that we access these memories so rapidly we don’t even realize we did it. Basically, it means we are already experiencing the emotion before we realize what just happened.

The insight I want you to draw from this is that your emotions are not really in your control by the time you experience them. What is in your control is what you do next.

Where We Get Stuck… (And Maybe Stay Stuck)

Many people will get stuck in trying to change the outside world when something triggers them. This is a mistake and a dead end street. Consider instead, to use a process to “rewire” the reaction so next time it doesn’t have such a “grip” on you.

For example, let’s say something triggers sadness in you. It could be real like a funeral or a tragic event you just experienced or it could be a memory getting triggered (or both if you’ve had some difficult loss in the past).

Regardless of whether or not it’s a current situation or memories from the past getting activated, your goal is to lessen the impact it has on you now and in the future without using dysfunctional coping patterns or suppressing it.

Your goal is to process it effectively so in the future any similar experience will trigger a healthy response.

Here is a healthy way to process any emotional experience: When something first triggers you, pause and notice where your breath is. Then notice where the sensations are in your body and name them. Naming them is a critical step because it disarms the knee jerk reaction.

Then name the primary emotion: anger, fear, sadness, shame or guilt are the big ones. Now, just take a moment to feel the emotion for just what it is - the sensations of sadness, fear or anger… Just face it. Avoid dialoging in your head about it at this stage.

Make the Distinction

Next, look around and see if you have any real evidence that something in the moment is actually sad or if it is a memory getting triggered or a meaning you are making that is influencing your reaction. Try and make the distinction.

You can do that by pausing and asking yourself, “Does my reaction seem out of proportion to this event?” or “What assumptions did I just make about what just happened?” or “How is this feeling familiar to me?” or “At what time in my life does this remind me of?”.

Key Question To Ask Yourself

  1. Does my reaction seem out of proportion to the event?
  2. What assumptions or inferences did I just make that might be causing my reaction?
  3. What question can I ask for clarification or to investigate my assumptions?
  4. Is or are these feelings familiar to me?
  5. At what point in my life do these feelings remind me of?

Let these idea(s) or question(s) float through your mind without using a lot of effort. The answer will come.

Avoid worrying if you don’t get an answer. Sometimes it takes practice to allow the message to come to you. As you practice this more and more, you will easily remember if it is indeed related to a past event(s).

If you sense the feelings are familiar, then reflect for a moment how this memory is connected to your current experience.  Notice the connection so you can raise your awareness about how they affect each other. (It’s very helpful to gain this awareness so in the future you don’t react as much to other events that are connected to early life memories.)

Again, initially this can seem daunting and difficult but over time you will move through the questions very quickly and get an answer.

How To Process The Old Memory

The next question you may be asking is, “Well, how do I process my response so it doesn’t keep influencing me so negatively?”

What you need to know is every memory or reaction can be changed by bringing in new and more accurate information. Let me elaborate here.

When we have a reaction from a previous memory, it is most common that that your memory is missing other important information. That’s what keeps it being over-reactive.

For example, if you look at the person who just triggered you and say “Tell me more about why you just said that?” or “Tell me more about what that means to you?” and so on, you will start to reveal their true intentions and what was going on in them. This will help you to re-wire the old meaning you made-up when you were younger. When you were younger you didn’t have the ability to ask such insightful questions.

The key take-away here is to ...never forget that it is your memory or meaning that is causing your reaction. It’s futile to try and change the other person in these moments. They are just being themselves. Until you pause and explore with them you really only have your past assumptions to go on and hopefully by now you know those assumptions and inferences are most likely based on missing information.

...never forget that it is your memory or meaning that is causing your reaction.

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Let’s Wrap This Up.

Hopefully you now see that taking things personally is related to memories that are loaded with outdated information. If you feel bad about something someone said, your first reaction might be to say “I can’t believe you just said that” with a tone of shame or disappointment.

In other words, what you are really saying to them with this approach is “I’m having a reaction and you are responsible for that reaction!” As you might imagine, and have probably experienced many times before, the other person then has a defensive reaction.

What has just happened is both of you are accessing old memories that are getting triggered and both responses are based on faulty out-dated information. The healthy way out of this dynamic is for each person to take responsibility for their own reaction and explore what was said so you can draw different conclusions based on current reality not the past. Make sense?

Never forget that in most couple relationships the other person does not have a malicious intention when they say something that triggers you. What clears this up permanently is to have an honest conversation, that is safe for both people, about the assumptions and inferences that are being made.

Take a moment to post your comments and questions below. And take another second to look on this page for events and webinars where you can resolve these unconscious dilemmas that are most often at the root of most people’s success or demise in life.

And be sure to tweet or click on the FaceBook button to help me get the word out. Many blessings today! (And if you have not downloaded Periscope for your phone yet yet please do so and look for #edferrigan so you can get in on the conversation LIVE!)

Why Do You Keep Repeating The Same Old Argument?

Why Do You Or Your Partner Keep Repeating The Same Old Argument?

“One day while arguing with my ex-wife I realized that not only were we arguing for the hundredth time we were arguing about the same thing…"

Gay Hendricks – The Relationship Solution

Ever wonder why you and your partner-relative-friend keep repeating the same old argument? In this article I will not only tell you why – and possibly run the risk of putting you to sleep with the official research 🙂 – but I will give you 2 proven solutions to overcome it.

Why We Repeat The Pattern

There is actually a very simple reason why we repeat arguments with someone. Drum roll… we are activating a memory in the body that is still incomplete, has a lot of fear associated with it, or both. Let me explain.

We have this powerful internal system in our bodies called implicit memory. It allows us to not have to think about things we have repeated over-and-over again. We just do it. It’s automatic.

For example - riding a bike, playing an instrument, or driving a car. Once we learn something and practice it, we stop thinking about all the details we needed to know initially. Make sense?

Now let’s apply this to when you were little and unable to rationalize very well, and we’ll relate it to how well your needs were attended to early in life.

What if you didn’t get your needs met at least 60% of the time? What if you were told what to do and your voice didn’t matter much? What if the situation was one of high tension and you just assumed it was not safe to ask for what you wanted? What if you were told over-and-over again that you were wrong and that what you were thinking was stupid?

Like two porcupines in heat sometimes the challenge to get your needs met required a delicate touch. And yet, remember, you were young and incapable of knowing how to handle it!

There are probably millions of possible variables but the bottom line is this: people who had this happen to them didn’t learn that getting their needs met was going to happen very often – and (here is the key) the beliefs and pattern associated with it got stored in their implicit memory system.

Of course there is a spectrum of where people are at with this problem, right? Every person is different on how often their needs were met and how they interpreted each experience related to it.

For now, decide where you may fit (i.e. 40% or 50% etc) on the spectrum and let’s continue.

As a reminder, our overarching goal in this article is to help you to see the underbelly of why arguments and fights repeat themselves.

Another Layer…

The next step is to realize and fully accept you probably created coping patterns to deal with not getting your needs met.

For example, if you got punished in some way for speaking out when you wanted something, part of you was in conflict.

To guarantee your survival you may have developed the ability to “ignore” what you wanted because it was too painful to deal with the alternative. In essence, you learned to suppress it AGAINST your natural desires and impulses. Over time this became normalized and stored in the implicit memory system.

If the dynamics are repeated enough times, you lose touch with your organic impulses to make requests and ask for help. Yet, underneath it all the “natural impulse to ask for what you are needing” is screaming to get out of its prison.

The challenge then is to realize this survival memory follows you throughout your life. It can be changed but most people don’t even know they are engaging the unconscious routines that cause the glitch in their current relationship. But now you have the information to recognize it and change it. Right?

Remember, if you experience arguments and fighting along with blame and distancing behaviors you know you are caught up in these unconscious routines.​

These are easy to see once you know what to look for but lets review before we dive into that.

Where we’ve been so far…

So where are we? You know you have a memory system to make things easier to remember and it’s very efficient.

You know that this system will hold memories that are good and maybe painful.

You also know that painful memories may be covered up with unconscious routines to avoid them. And you know that these routines are unconscious because of repeating them so often they became part of the implicit memory system.

What this means is you may be engaging the unconscious routines to various degrees in any of your relationships any time your personal needs come up.

The next question to ask yourself is “How do I ‘see’ them and change them so I can get better results?"

Solution #1

The first step to changing any unconscious pattern is to acknowledge the moment when you are unhappy with any outcome or situation. Then be open to the possibility that you may be engaging your unconscious patterns or routines that contributed to it.

This is a big deal because the reason we used the coping pattern in the first place was to avoid the pain of the alternative. The decision to change the pattern immediately implies that you will have to feel the original pain you have been fighting so hard not to feel. Following me so far?

Well, this is a false belief

…and part of your brain may challenge you tooth-and-nail to avoid facing what it believes is a really bad choice. If you study this you’ll see one really important flaw in the logic that the unconscious has decided.

The flaw is this: When you originally decided to create the coping pattern you believed certain things were true. The problem with the conclusions you came up with in your early life experiences is they reflects the reality that your brain was not fully developed yet and operated out of pure survival instincts.

You didn’t know how to question the validity of your assumptions and inferences so you could draw healthy conclusions.

..the conclusions reflect that your brain was not fully developed yet and operated out of pure survival instincts.

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Let’s assume for a minute you were 6 months old and your diaper needed changing and no one answered your cries. Over time you would suppress your desire to have it changed even when it’s really uncomfortable and probably suppressed the rage towards people ignoring you. (I know this one real well so I can relate.)

Now if you would have had the ability to say “Hey what’s going on here! My diaper needs to be changed!” You would have gotten feedback to validate or disconfirm your inferences. You may have also been aware enough to not take it personally. But, that is often not what happens as we’ve been sharing.

The key takeaway is this: “When babies draw conclusions they are missing vital information.” Never, ever, forget this. This fact alone has saved more grief then most therapy sessions.

This leads us to solution #2…

As an adult you can change these unconscious beliefs and routines but you need to collect more information before you can modify the unconscious programs.

You can stop and say out loud “Here is what I’m thinking… is it true?” and see what happens. This eliminates any guess work.

But there is a downside…

What if the person you ask is afraid to tell the truth because of their own unconscious routines! (Yes, I know, it’s a wonder we can even exist as a species.) Well, I’d like to tell you it works every time but I would be lying. Sometimes you have to pry the truth out of people.I will share more about this in future blog writings. (Be sure to post your questions about this below so I can focus on what you are wondering about as it relates to this.)

In general, though, if you say something like “I thought I heard you say_____ and I think it means _______. Is that true?” you will get clarification about what is intended in the communication.

This article is the tip of the iceberg. Once you start to see how your unconscious memories are running the show you will be changed for the better forever. I've created a few tools (some free and some low cost) to speed your process. For example, you can get The Ultimate List Of Ending Arguments And Fights for FREE  HERE.

As you might imagine, it’s a great opportunity to build a deeper bond with the person. The reason is, they are feeling more “heard” and it communicates to them you are genuinely interested in clearing up any miscommunication.

WARNING: This sounds easier than it is! As good as I am, after 20 years of practice sometimes my investigations are taken with suspicion and resistance. So it’s not bullet proof but its a great start. Fair enough?

Conclusions:Like a fish in water, it’s hard to see your unconscious patterns. The fast path to discovering them is to simply look at the results you are getting and then assume there is unconscious programming at work.

It’s also a good idea to remind yourself it’s YOUR unconscious programming not anyone else’s. Then be curious about what unconscious programming is interfering with the result you actually want. When you forget this you lose your power and think it's the other person causing the problem when in actuality it's your unconscious reaction causing the problem that needs to be questioned.

Like magic, when you address the underlying needs and can speak to them openly, arguments end and harmony emerges. Over time, the unconscious programs are replaced by your new found habits and become the new backdrop for the relationship – giving you far better results.

Please be sure to post your comments and questions below. And take a moment to look on this page for events and webinars where you can resolve these unconscious dilemmas that are most often at the root of most people’s success or demise in life. I’ve spent the past 20 years sorting out how to resolve them and am happy to help you when the time is right. Many blessings on your life journey.

More Intimacy In Relationship

I don’t know anyone who would not want more intimacy in relationship. I often write (and preach…) about how our unconscious is running the show most of the time.

Understanding how it is constantly nipping at your heals reveals a hidden secret to making relationship work better.

One evening while in dance class dancing with my partner I had an experience that perfectly illustrates how the unconscious mind or implicit memory system can communicate hidden beliefs that interfere with healthy relationship communication and blocks more intimacy.

I want to share that experience with you in hopes of shedding some light on why we, as human beings, end up in conflict and don't understand why.

Here is the situation. We were practicing a pretty complex west coast swing move at the time. It was the type of move where I had to rotate my partner a certain direction and ideally we keep a certain amount of tension between us to make us spin easier.

What I noticed was she was rushing the spin. (This is the important part of the lesson.) In that moment I blurted out with a tone "you're rushing it" and she blurted back "you're turning me!"

Well in that moment I said to myself, "that was interesting" and realized it was the first time we actually had some emotional tension between us since we started dancing together a month or so ago. I knew there was a "charge" behind my communication and she picked up on it.

As a side note realize it doesn’t matter who said what in any argument or fight. What matters it where you want to go with the conversation after you’ve been triggered.

The next day, in my meditation practice I played it back over and over again – feeling into what was going on for me in that moment.

I came to the conclusion that I have a belief that I won't get my needs met unless I communicate what I want in a "tough guy" or "I'm right you're wrong" tone.

This style was pretty typical as a youngster in my family growing up so this awareness didn't surprise me. Not a great way to induce more intimacy in any relationship!

Now, day-to-day when I'm relaxed and conscious, I don't speak that way to people. But in the moment of this challenge or stress I was facing, my unconscious belief leaked out from long ago.

"It doesn’t matter who said what in any argument. What matters it where you want to go with the conversation after you’ve been triggered." 

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The beauty of noticing my reaction and "owning" my belief around how to get my needs met, I can now bring awareness to the moment when I'm a little more stressed and change that unconscious mental model.

In the future, I can try different ways of communicating to see if my needs get met and invalidate the old belief. (My experience also tells me it may take several times before you get it right so don't be too hard on yourself if you make the same mistake a few times)

To summarize the key points for more daily intimacy:
  • Unconscious beliefs will "leak out" under moments of stress and are the beginning of why we lose more intimacy
  • It's up to each of us to notice them, reflect on the related needs trying to be met, then create new mental models for the future that are more effective
Homework For More Intimacy (If your willing)
  • Today, or over the next few days notice how you respond to people.
  • Notice your tone, notice your bodily sensations that offer clues that something may be going on out of your awareness.
  • Then reflect on moments where you responded less than optimal.
  • Ask yourself "what needs are trying to get met?" and is there a better way of communicating my needs that will serve me and other better?

The payoff for becoming aware of our unconscious beliefs or habituated patterns is monumental.

The more your practice it will become second nature then you'll wonder how you ever operated without the practice. My goal is for you and your closest friends and family to live a life full of love and fantastic relationships so please share these articles with them so they can benefit as well.​

By clicking on the share links to the left your are helping to create a positive ripple that affects the whole planet in a positive way. Thank you for that!

Also, please post your comments below and ask what questions you may have so you and others are encouraged to learn from each other.

Partner Attraction: Here’s The First Step

When it comes to partner attraction there are many fundamentals that need to be in place to increase your odds.

Relationships have many dimensions and many books have been written with enough strategies to fill a swimming pool.

So without wasting precious time lets look at the first step to partner attraction.

After 20 years of experimenting, not only with myself and clients, it is obvious the first step is to be clear what relationship success looks like to you.

If you don’t know what success looks like your partner attraction game plan will fail and and you’ll continue to unconsciously blame things outside of yourself for the results.

Notice I said unconsciously? That is the magic of relationship visioning.

When you do it, it automatically “flushes up” anything in you that is contradictory to what your vision is.

Yep! Its the best tool in the world to see what you believe or are afraid of unconsciously – that you were unaware of.

Partner attraction is increased when you have a clear understanding of what it means and looks like to be with a partner you adore, can get along with, meets you halfway, and invites long term security through their actions.

While its not the only thing you need to do to attract Ms or Mr right if I had to pick one thing it would be this!

So if you can agree for now lets continue…

Lets look at 3 essential actions that you can do right now to make sure your vision is working for you.

Partner Attraction Visioning Step 1:

First write a couple paragraphs describing what your ideal relationship would look like.

Describe what you are doing day-to-day, how you speak to each other when differences arise, how well both of you communicate needs, and what you have in common.

Partner Attraction Visioning Step 2:

Now, word it in the positive. Go back through your vision and remove anything that is negative and replace it with what you want – not what you want to avoid.

For example: If you wrote “They are not mean to me when things don’t go their way”… you’d reword that to say “When I disagree with them they are curious about my perspective and use interested tone that shows respect for me.”

Get the idea?

Partner Attraction Visioning Step 3:

Here's the secret sauce folks...

Make a list of past relationship problems and write those in the positive then include them in your vision.

Let’s say you’ve had a problem interrupting your partner when they are sharing. You would write that down on a separate piece of paper then reword it to the positive.

Something like “I notice when my partner is sharing something that is important to them and I suspend any opinions until they are complete or Im starting to lose track of what they are saying. When I do share I great at hearing the essence of what they are needing and I communicate that back to them to confirm”

Now add that to your vision statement.

Understand what I’m doing here?

The goal is to take any past blindspots that have gotten you into trouble and put those into your vision statement so you hold yourself accountable for cleaning those up.

Works like magic and accelerates your confidence and makes you more magnetic for your partner attraction game-plan.

Let’s summarize

  • The first step in our partner attraction plan is to write a vision statement
  • This vision statement should be worded in the positive to program our unconscious
  • In the vision statement I want to include my historical “blind spots” from previous relationships so I can counter them and develop new habits

Now, you may be noticing a theme here in the focus of all my articles.

What is critical for success to happen is taking personal responsibility for your thoughts, perceptions, choices and actions – even if when you were little you got pickled in bad juju!

Always remember, when you stop taking personal responsibility you’ve given up your power!​

...when you stop taking personal responsibility you’ve given up your power!​

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That's it for today!​

Please let your friends know about this article by this using the share buttons to your left.

That way others can benefit and I remain motivated keep producing solutions for you and others who need them. 🙂

Write your comments and questions below to encourage others to engage in a dialogue about this subject. It really helps people to sort better when others share in their relationship challenges.

Finally, let me know what you think about these tips and what other ones you want… Ed

Ed Ferrigan and Relationship Mastery

Ed Ferrigan is a sought out body centered psychotherapist, relationship coach, family constellation facilitator, and trauma release expert who has been practicing trauma release strategies for over 17 years. He has a knack for getting to the heart of peoples unconscious patterns in rapid fashion. He is available for individual sessions and provides low cost group phone sessions that are supported with videos, handouts, and activities that will immediately raise your awareness about healthy relationships and creating a healthy emotional body. He can be reached at 970-317-0001 or ed@edferrigan.com

The Family Constellation Process

Family Constellations is a group healing process that are now becoming popular in the United States. They have been mainstream in Europe for over 30 years.

This video will give you a little background and give you a sense of what they are. While hard to explain, Family Constellations are best experienced in order to understand their potency.

They are excellent for: 

  • Revealing unconscious family patterns that can follow you throughout life
  • Heal past hurts that still haunt your family system
  • Help you in seeing what is missing in a major decision

​Here is what others have said about the family constellation process:

Judy Katzin
Durango, CO

I found it so powerful to go back to the generations before and to see how my father carried the burden of my grandfather and then "gave" it to me. In two hours I healed what has been a burden for me for a lifetime. Your compassion, intuition and wisdom in leading everyone through the Family Constellation created trust that enabled me to get to the deeper truth.

Since the constellation, I have felt different in my mind, body and spirit. I released the "pressure" of my father in my life and have replaced it with love and compassion. I now understand my father's burden during his lifetime and everything makes sense.​

I can't thank you enough for freeing me and my family! I am filled with gratitude and love and I would recommend a Family Constellation to anyone who wants to be free of the burdens of their past and move forward in their own life purpose with joy and happiness. Thank you so very much!​

When I attended my first Family Constellation, I did not know what to expect. I was amazed at the clarity that became available to me as I made a major life decision. In subsequent Constellations I was enlightened about some of the patterns that occurred in my family that were not serving us & that understanding triggered compassion for my father & my daughter. The environment that Ed provides is very safe & his ability to facilitate this process is profound. It creates a beautiful sense of community for all the people who attend. I have participated in many healing & growth experiences & I would highly recommend this beautiful process with Ed.

Kathleen T.
Durango, CO

I'm a little bit out of my storyline now...I just want to go to the WOW!

Drusilla MacDonald 
Durango, CO
Mary Paradis Vancouver, BC

Ed is truly authentic and a gifted intuitive. His combination of somatic experiencing with the family constellation process creates an incredibly safe and sacred space for transformative work. I experienced profound healing at a very deep level and am thrilled to welcome back my life energy!

I love having the group represent the bigger picture...what I can't see on my own.

Fred Boshardt 
Mancos, CO

I was amazed at Ed's quiet and gentle ability to create such a safe space. His exceptional intuitive gift guided a very deep and meaningful healing which continues to unfold in my daily life.

Esther ChaseNorth Vancouver, BC

Be sure to ask your questions and comment below about the thoughts you are having after you watch the video. And be sure to click the like buttons to the left and share with others.

If you would like to be notified of future events or request a facilitator for a group you belong to please contact me directly at 970-317-0001. Be blessed today in all that you create!​

Fear Kills Relationship Intimacy

Fear can paralyze relationships. One minute your as happy as a beaver on a spring day and the next minute be finding excuses to leave the room.

In any given moment your response may seem appropriate, but if you were able to later discuss with the person why you reacted the way you did, you may realize there could have been a different way to handle your response that actually increased love and intimay.

Lets be clear the goal in this article is more relationship intimacy.

  1. In this brief article we will first look at an early life biological dilemma that causes us pain and unnecessary suffering later in life. 
  2. The root of why you need to understand and make friends with fear.
  3. Then we will learn about some secret cues that will help bring awareness to your experience so you can modify your otherwise “knee jerk” reactions on demand. (…as in not be a victim of your unconscious programming…)
  4. Finally, we will look at some alternative options to dramatically enhance your ability to navigate fear.
How Humans Get Developmentally Impaired for More Intimacy

It is important to know that our brains grow developmentally as our age increases.

Early on, between the womb experience and age 5, there is part of your brain that tells you to reach out when you need food, contact, or are scared and need comfort, etc.

It’s based on millions of years of evolution so it’s hard wired into you.

At this stage of development you respond to life in a very raw form… …unable to discern the different energies you are experiencing, except for ones that have an intensity to them such as “I’m hungry” or “..that loud noise is scary” or “change my dirty diaper.”

Between 18 months to 5 years another part of your brain comes on-line that gives you the ability to essentially date and time-stamp your experience. Critical because it's what gives you the ability to tell a story…

Before this time, when you have experiences, good or bad, the memories of the intense experiences get stored in your unconscious or what is called implicit memory, with NO date or time stamp.

Said another way, all the mental strategies you used to deal with them got stored in your unconscious so they are out of your awareness.

They just happen automatically out of your awareness. (hint: this is why its hard to believe why someone thinks a certain way - we don’t have their programming)

Guess what happens later in life when these memories get triggered?

You guessed it, you respond as if they were happening for the first time. (remember: those memories are not date coded or time stamped so your brain doesn’t discern if it happened already)

So what does this mean to you today? Well, when you analyze it you are literally responding like an infant rather than an adult. (unless of course you are practicing what Im sharing below!)

Technically… when you get triggered you are actually accessing neuro-clusters that got formed when you were tiny. that got imprinted into your memory system. (Yes, we have a memory system just like we have a digestive system, skeletal system, circulatory system etc)

When something similar triggers this memory you are not accessing other parts of your brain to rationalize it effectively.

In short, you are leaving out essential information to evaluate your situation accurately. This is the million dollar answer to why couples attract a certain kind of person or why couples stay stuck in relationship intimacy killing patterns.

When we are tiny we have not yet developed complex rationalizing abilities, so our ability to sort out the experience effectively doesn't exist and a LOT of information is left out of your “infant-like” evaluation.

As adults, it is this phenomenon that causes us to have unconscious beliefs play out so fast we don’t question our reaction.

The good news is there are many ways to identify these knee-jerk responses and change them to more consistently move towards more daily relationship intimacy.

8 Physical Responses That Guide You To More Relationship Intimacy

First, let’s look at 8 physical responses that can occur when you are scared:

  1. Tightness in stomach and chest
  2. Nausea or internal quivering, especially down the midline of chest and stomach
  3. Damp or sweaty palms
  4. Dryness in mouth
  5. Narrow focus in eyes, tunnel vision
  6. Elevated heart rate
  7. Rapid thinking
  8. An impulse to leave, argue, or fight back​
3 Common Fear Based Habits That Diminish Your Relationship Intimacy

And as a bonus lets look at a few fear based behaviors that will clue you in as well:

  1. Blame (accusing your partner, showing contempt, threats)
  2. Victim language (“you’re always blaming me, why do you treat me that way…”)
  3. Rescuing others emotionally in order to feel better ourselves. (I’ll clean up the house so you’ll love me more)

The question then becomes what do we do to interrupt these unconscious fear based responses?

Solutions For Having More Relationship Intimacy

The starting point is to slow down and sense where your breath is and recognize physical sensations. This will cultivate your ability to become more aware.

Stay with me here…

Awareness, curiosity and reflection are the keys here.

I've noticed over the years of practicing this kind of self-awareness that oftentimes I will feel a sensation before I have the knee-jerk reaction, which makes it much easier to respond consciously to any situation because I have an obvious clue to remind me fear is active.

What are some options to interrupting your knee-jerk reactions to create a different outcome in the moment?

Here are 5 ways to adjust your fear response:
  1. Pause and notice your physical sensations and remain curious (Imagine your tracking an animal in the woods. Do the same thing with your sensations.)
  2. Continue breathing and remain open (Notice if your mind wants to distract you, just observe your full experience, sensations, emotions, thoughts etc. and don't do anything…just feel.)
  3. Repeat back what you heard ("I think I'm hearing you say….is that accurate?")
  4. Tell the person what you think it means and ask if your assessment is accurate. ("I think it means this….Is that true?")
  5. Make a new choice (Make a request for what you are needing or wanting.)

By cultivating this response sequence you will begin to pick up more information in your environment and be able to interrupt communication patterns that have perhaps derailed you in the past.

Let’s Summarize What We Learned Today About Increasing Relationship Intimacy
  1. Our goal is to have more daily relationship intimacy
  2. Use the 8 fear based clues to have more awareness that fear is operating in your situation
  3. Bring awareness to the 3 most common fear based behaviors (victim, blamer, rescuer) and interrupt them by asking more questions and naming out loud you are fearful
  4. Use the 5 NEW responses to re-program and update your communication “neuro-clusters” that got programmed in you long ago!

In watching myself and clients develop this practice over the past 17 years, I see their confidence grow, and they regularly report having more relationship intimacy and more acceptance of the way people are.

I think our planet could use a little more of that!

Now take a moment and share this article with your friends.

Each little contribution makes the world a little brighter. My goal is to help a million people improve their relationships in the next few years and I can not do that without you spreading the word. So thanks for that! 🙂 and...

Many blessings on your life journey.

Ed Ferrigan and Relationship Mastery

Ed Ferrigan, M.A., CCPC, SEP has been helping singles, couples and leaders create better relationships for 17 years. His "claim to fame" is helping people access the core issue rapidly and shift it permanently. He is an early life development expert, family constellation facilitator, and trauma release expert with a practice in Durango, Co. He can be reached at 970-317-0001 for phone or video conferencing sessions.

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