Family Constellations – Getting More Benefits

by Ed Ferrigan Relationship Coaching - family constellation process

Let's begin by talking about a spectrum between conscious versus the unconscious mind. The memory system called implicit memory is designed to make things super efficient.

Like playing an instrument driving a car or riding a bike.

One way to think about the implicit system is, it’s the part of your memory. When you repeat patterns over and over again it gets easier and easier.

Anything you practice becomes more efficient over time as you practice.

When we are little we are dependent on our parents. It's also the time when the implicit system is most vulnerable. Especially as it relates to the primary caretaker.

Babies take on the patterns, beliefs, or mis-interpretations they make moment-by-moment to guarantee their survival.

When enough patterns get repeated these become the implicit memory that later in life we don’t even know to question. We automatically think that is the way life is.

Family constellations are great for revealing what implicit patterns are causing you grief…

In the first 18 months there's a part of our brain called the hippocampus that is not online yet.

It's the part of our brain that date codes and time stamps information.

Knowing this, you can better understand that if the hippocampus and the implicit memory system are working together you will have two types of memory systems.

The implicit memory that just does something because you’ve practiced so much.  and then a

Another type of memory called explicit memory allows you to sequence information and tell a story or narrative of some kind.

The most important thing to remember is these early life imprint are mobilizing and influencing all of your thoughts and beliefs throughout the rest of your life.

And it’s the #1 culprit for relationship challenges.

An example with couples can be seen when one of the couples is ignoring the other when a request has been made. There might be a delay or no answer at all.

This can trigger the old memory that doesn't have a date code or a timestamp. When it does it immediately causes high activation.

This means the amygdala takes over and responds in a typical fight, flight, freeze response. (These are the patterns you want to challenge and change to get better results in the future.)

Key Lesson

In that moment your brain patterns cannot tell what the differences is between now and what happened 30 or 40 years ago. It leaves out critical present-day information because it’s defaulting to the old pattern.

That's the dilemma we all have with our unconscious verses our conscious mind. As we get older the coping patterns we used to handle high stress begin to break down. It's called midlife crisis.

Study’s show that we will either clamp-down on these coping patterns and become more rigid or we “loosen the grip” and learn new ways to be in our bodies.

It's no wonder people want to "clamp down" on the old patterns as it's really painful when those memories come back. Some people go into post traumatic stress and they need various levels mental care.

Some Family constellation facilitators look at this in detail.

It's debilitating and it's at the root of most people’s relationship issues. It will affect people’s ability to attract the ideal partner.

For example, the classic pattern we are all familiar with is the pattern of attracting a certain type of person over-and-over again.

A typical pattern, for example, is one partner uses distancing behaviors and the other gets anxious. Or you use a distancing behavior and they get anxious. All the struggles that play out are related to these early life imprints that need to be repaired. There are many layer of them.

What To Say And When To Say It...

A common pattern amongst couples is not knowing what to say when they know they are triggered. I put together a great phrase that immediately interrupts to direction the conversation is going and gets it back on track so fear based responses are not running the show. You can find it here. [Click Here]

Then all the early life beliefs and behaviors begin to play out soon into the relationship. I encourage you to picture them as portals or red flags into potential healing opportunities. (as opposed to avoiding them…)

A word that sums up what we are talking about here is insecurity.

You will see during a constellation how I repair these family imprints so you get awareness to the pattern and can re-evaluate how you want to respond in future situations.

Ed Ferrigan and Relationship Mastery

Ed Ferrigan is an intuit that has facilitated well over 800 family constellations​ since 2003. His approach includes using trauma release processes and body centered techniques to rapidly release bound up trauma energy in the body and engage the healing of early life patterns that continue to secretly (unconsciously) sabotage your success.

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Relationship expert, Ed Ferrigan, M.A., CPCC, has been helping singles, couples, managers, and teams break through limiting beliefs and communicate more effectively for over 25 years. Ed is author of the book 100+ Ways To Get Back On The Horse, facilitates workshops on communication skills and provides relationship coaching all over the world using web technology. Ed is a local resident of Boise, ID is an avid dancer, and enjoys fly-fishing.