Couples Listening Skills – Listening Filters #1
Today I'm going to talk about listening skills and want to give you a couple of tips. Those who are newly in here in a brand new relationship or have been in a relationship for a long time.
This is especially helpful for men. So here's what the tip is.
Listening is your gateway to building trust in a relationship. Now, the reason this is so important is oftentimes when we're little kids let's say that we had parents that were preoccupied they had other kids to tend to or they had busy jobs or maybe the mother was sick or their father was sick or something happened that that parent was preoccupied and they couldn't give you the attention that you needed.
Well that creates a very nervous I'm sorry and anxious nervous system. So oftentimes what we will do is put coping patterns in place to deal with that. And it will show up as wonky things that start coming up in a relationship when you're with a person over time. Just know that within the first five to seven years of life we have patterns that we take on that we habituate that are going on all the time behind the scenes and that oftentimes we need to challenge them or even notice that we're doing it.
A lot of times, the third person come here you can see it really easily but we can't see it we're like the fish where we can't even see the water we’re swimming in. So it's really important that you make a conscious effort to be a good listener.
Here's a couple of tips.
First we have filters we all have listening filters we listen to somebody in maybe the filters is how can I fix or the filter is, oh that reminds me of when when I did X Y Z and then what we do is we jump in and we grab that conversation and it becomes about us and the other person kind of walks away feeling demoralized because they don't get their point across.
They didn't feel important. So that's a pretty classic example of where listening is very important.
If you want to build trust then follow these directions.
Instead of jumping in or giving advice or some of those kinds of things.
What I want you to do is listen for the need or listen for the value or listen to what is this person sorting out in their life maybe have to maybe you give encouragement like say oh I know I experience you as a person that you know never gives up and you're always doing your very best and I really appreciate that about you and then let him finish talking.
Give him encouragement… kind of thing.
Anything that doesn't pull it away from them is what I'm referring to. So another example might be when somebody is talking about a challenge they're having. Don't try to fix it.
Just look at him and say what what are you doing about that are you know have you been successful when you think you should do it just listen to him even if you think they're way off base, don't worry about it.
Just say “You know I'm really looking forward to hearing how that turns out for you. I'm really excited because you sound like you're on the right track.”
And then you know maybe if you feel like they've just been shooting themselves in the foot over and over again you know sometimes I'll say well you know I have some ideas that if you ever get to the point where you want to know what those ideas let me know now I'm happy to share those with you. But I'm not attached to them to saying yes or no. Most of the time they yeah tell me what you're thinking.
And then and then they give you permission to share in that conversation. But don't do it before then.
Hopefully that's helpful. Listening skills is a really big trust builder.
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If you haven't been in one for a while maybe your biggest challenge that you're faced with is maybe it's a situation where you keep repeating the same thing over and over again.
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