5 Steps To End Fighting And Arguing
In the 5 Steps To End Fighting And Arguing we will address the #2 killer of all relationships: Fighting and Arguing. Multiple researchers cite that the number two reason people leave relationships is because of regular bouts of arguing and fighting. In this article we will look at 5 steps you can start using immediately to end arguing and fighting from your relationship.
Step 1: Recognize It’s Your Reaction: One of the simplest resolutions to any conflict is to realize any reaction you have is generated from your own beliefs and values. Whether they are unconscious or not it is still your reaction so it is your responsibility to investigate whether your claims are real or not. Most unconscious fear based responses are loaded with meaning that needs to be questioned and renegotiated. Always remember they are stored in implicit memory which means they are as fast as lightening so it’s critical to catch your reaction and question it. More on this in a bit…
Step 2: Follow Through On Your Goal: When you have goal as to how you want to handle differences it’s like using the car break to stop at a top sign. You need reminders to interrupt your knee jerk reaction. One of those reminders is to create a goal that you can shoot for every time you feel the impulse to argue or fight. Never forget that the argument or fight is always about a need trying to get met. And that there is typically an outdated unconscious pattern that believes that won’t happen. When you are committed to reaching the goal, you will interrupt the knee jerk reaction and eventually dismantle the beliefs that got set in motion early in life that are no longer valid.
Step 3: Choose Words And Phrases That Harmonize Not Demonize: When you can interrupt your knee jerk reaction the next step is to use word and phrases that disarm or deescalates the conflict. Let me put it another way. If you use words and phrases that provoke another person’s fears you will get resistance. Remember, they also have their unconscious beliefs interfering with intimacy in that moment. The least thing you want to do is to is to provoke more anguish in their nervous system. They are already experiencing pressure from the current dilemma, so you do not want to “fan the flame”. Notice how you feel inside when you imagine someone saying “What the hell does that mean?” with an angry tone versus “Can you tell me more about what that means to you?” in a tone of genuine curiosity. It’s like night and day. The second phrase is inviting the first one is challenging.
Step 4: Seek Understanding Not “Being Right”: In step 4, you are noticing how your desire to be right is really based on an a fear or unconscious belief that you wont get your needs met. My encouragement is to let go of that direction because it’s premature. A better option is to further investigate what your partner is upset about or what her/his core needs are. Get good at moving into curiosity and investigating. The very worst that can come out of it is the understanding that you both have wildly different beliefs. Some of those may be “show stoppers” but my experience tells me that most of them are probably not. Over time you accept your partner for who they are because you realize their beliefs are not threatening to your own. I’ve also discovered most people will meet you half way. Often, I’ve discovered that later on they liked my belief and leaned more towards it and I did the same with their belief.
Step 5: Check Out Your Inferences And Assumptions: One of the most profound ways to unplug dysfunctional unconscious knee jerk reactions is to study your inferences and assumptions. When you have deeply embedded fear responses related to getting your needs met, there will be a tendency to overreact. Over 20 years of practicing this I now have a rule of thumb I fall back on and it goes like this: if I’m overreacting, then I know it’s a default pattern that needs to be questioned and modified to something more accurate.
How will you know you are overreacting? Think of it as ANYTHING that has more charge to it than telling the time to someone is probably loaded with meaning that needs to be questioned.
With practice you can master each of these steps. The payoff will be more harmony, deeper love, and the immense joy that comes with being in love with that special person you can call lover. Imagine consistently having that renewed sense of security, belonging, and sweetness that was there when you first met. This is all possible when you can unplug your unconscious dynamics running you like a puppet.
A couple of years ago I assembled a program called How To Stop Fighting And Arguing. I had in mind the goal to create the definitive program that completely untangles and resolves fighting dynamics in couples. I’ve given you a link below to access free information that will lead you to the video describing the program.
One of the first steps to untangling conflict is to learn how to identify unconscious patterns. One of the best ways to do that is to learn words and phrases that advocate for harmony and understanding. Words and phrases that take you out of the “being right” pattern to “let’s discover what wants to reveal itself today” approach that is probably based on bad information anyway. When you start using positive words and phrases you immediately interrupt old patterns that keep you stuck. You can access the first for free.
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