3 Relationship Skills To Speed Success

relationship skills success by Ed Ferrigan Relationship Coaching

To increase your odds of relationship skills success it is essential to understand the dynamics of trauma. (...btw this is an understatement...)

No one is immune to often horrifying experiences life can dish out.​ And the saddest part of this is people don't even know it's affecting them. The way to know? Look at your results...

Our bodies come equipped with remarkable internal mechanism that manages our response to danger but it often falls short as we feel the events effects many years later.

Research in neuroscience tells us that the brainstem is responsible for this "fight, flight, freeze response" that happens instantaneously when our perceptions indicate danger.

Nearly 40 years ago a researcher named Dr. Peter Levine studied these patterns in nature and discovered that a wild animals response to traumatic events is slightly different than humans.

If an animal survives a life threatening response its body will shake for a period of time and afterwards show no trauma signs or symptoms.

Humans, as it turns out, respond differently by overriding this natural impulse.

While our intention is to protect ourselves from the sense of helplessness, horror or pain, what results is an incomplete response that becomes locked in the body and can haunt us unknowingly for the remainder of our lives. It increases the probability that essential relationship skills or maybe even the basics depending on the traumas will elude us for our lifetimes.

To make matters worse

...there is often an unconscious fixation to "re-enact" original traumas in order to complete them, this is one of our bodies natural tools to maintain internal harmony.

...there is an unconscious fixation to "re-enact" original traumas – one of our bodies natural tools to maintain internal harmony…

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Noted trauma authority and author Bessel van der Kolk has written,"... re-living trauma often occurs in the form of physical sensations that precipitate emotions of terror and helplessness. Learning how to manage and release these physical sensations from trauma-based emotions is an essential aspect of the effective treatment of PTSD.”

The effects of trauma are now being implicated in many of the emotional issues and body diseases we see in ourselves and friends.

Traumatic experiences can produce feelings of numbness, anxiety, depression, despair, hopelessness, sexual dysfunction, compulsive or aggressive behaviors, sleep disorders, guilt, shame, reoccurring anger, as well as limit ability to stay focused and present.

As you might imagine the real cost is the damage caused to our most intimate relationships and kills any potential for relationship success. As you also might imagine the real cost is the damage caused to our most intimate relationships. Relationship skills to release trauma held in the body should be a top priority for anyone who is unhappy about their relationships.

Trauma symptoms develop when we cannot complete the process of moving through the immobility response and discharging these powerful survival energies.

Here are 3 critical skills to enhance relationship success as it pertains to trauma. Knowing and practicing these will help you to begin releasing any "bottled up" stuck energy related to trauma that in turn will help you to see your unconscious intentions more clearly and why you've gotten some of the results in your past.

Relationship Skills #1 - Locate your Breath

Learn to notice where your breath is in any moment in time. The breath is the gateway to release. If you are breathing low or high in the chest try and soften from the inside out and open your perspective up as to what else is possible in the moment.

Relationship Skills #2 - Focus on Sensations

Before we learned to talk, sensation was our first language. By focusing on sensations you begin the untangling process of testing the meaning we put on anything that traumatized us. Rather than to go into coping mechanisms pause, breathe, focus on sensations and feel what is happening around you.

Open up to slowing down the whole experience. You can do this by laying down, knees up and feel the whole experience without trying to do anything other than "be" with it.

Relationship Skills #3 – Bring in New Information

Allow your "witness" to observe all aspect of your experience without being judgmental. Just watch the tension, swirling, coldness, itchiness or whatever shows up with curiosity and wonder. Don’t be afraid of it. Just allow it to run it's course without doing something that might interfere with its natural course of discharge.


Practicing these 3 actions can give you a head start on releasing trauma and cultivate your ability to be far more conscious of life experiences you encounter. Build your relationship skills beginning today so you can reap the benefits.

One last important aspect of trauma to remember is to never underestimate the potency of the energy that may be stuck.

Often, it is best to be with someone who can be present with you and your experience. Having a safe person present informs your nervous system that you are connected to someone else and are not alone.

It lowers the intensity of the experience to enable you to release more quickly and completely.

There are many implications to this that are beyond the scope of this blog so remember to reach out to someone if you have a sense that the experience could be more than you can handle alone.

Good luck with your practice and many blessings. Be sure to click the share buttons so others can learn life changing insights. You can make a difference!


Relationship expert, Ed Ferrigan, M.A., CPCC, has been helping singles, couples, and teams in organizations communicate more effectively for over 20 years. Ed is author of the book 100+ Ways To Get Back On The Horse, facilitates workshops on couples communication and provides relationship coaching all over the world using web technology. Ed is a local resident of Prescott Valley, Az, is an avid dancer, and loves fly-fishing.

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